Daily Douchebaggery

This douchebaggery is far more extensive than a single incident, and those culpable are many. Tuesday was a historic day for America, with the signing of a bill with such far-reaching importance that it will affect our children and grandchildren. The Health-Care reform bill narrowly passed through the House and Senate, and was signed into law by President Barack Obama. This is not the douchebaggery that I speak of.
During the health care reform debate, and his presidency in general, torrents of indescribable hatred, disguised as patriotism and Christianity, continued to flow unabated. The Tea Partiers are some of the worst of the group, last week mocking a man with Parkinson's who was peacefully protesting their protest, and before the vote on the reform bill, were tossing such epithets as 'nigger' and 'faggot' at certain members of congress, and laughing. Compassionate conservatism my ass. This is not protest, this is mean-spirited bullying. The conservatives aren't getting their way so they throw tantrums. It shows a lacking of any party morality, and Bob Herbert of the New York Times puts it even better as a complete lack of class.
The GOP should be held accountable for this, tacitly approving of these ugly, hateful tactics used to rile up a large group of ignorant, fearful people to push their agenda, which seems to only be tearing down and fighting anything Obama tries to do. Their small army of pocketed pundits on the various right-leaning television and radio stations do much of the work for them, bluntly calling for insurrection, impeachment and protest in complete ignorance and diametrically opposed to facts. Bombastic radio host Limbaugh threatened to leave the country if the bill was passed, claiming he would go somewhere else for his health care, like Costa Rica (which has nationalized medicine) but of course backed out of his claims at the last minute.
There are many other reasons and instances I could bring up to support my nomination of the entire GOP, the Tea Party and anyone else who supports their ideals for constant and impressively ignorant douchebaggery, but I don't have the time.

The In-crowd

The past few years, I've been noticing an increase in the profusion of hipsters and scenesters infesting Provo and Utah County at large. This I find quite amusing, since Provo really has no 'scene' to speak of, and is definitely not hip. Three small bars, a few coffee shops and a pool-hall make up the 'night-life' of our town, and the newly opened club, which I will not even bother naming to give them the free advertising, admits teenagers, immediately rendering it un-hip. And if you're over 20 and hanging out at a club that is filled with teenagers you are either a) a pedophile, b) a loser with nothing better to do or c) a loser pedophile that can't get a ride to a better club in Salt Lake.
The hipsters invariably end up at Denny's or the Rice King for their evening fare, the latter is kept alive by this annoying and useless segment of our populace through some cruel hoax perpetrated by a crueler god. Oh great and terrible Cthulhu, how have be angered thee?!? The only classy joint downtown, Spark, I have heard called 'too hip for Provo.' Most scenesters seem to avoid it anyway, preferring to haunt the few small music venues downtown, crowding around outside, the interior buzzing with teenage chatter and shittily amplified music from the mostly uninspired and uninteresting local bands. They occasionally manage to pull in a decent act, who can't be heard over the mmsing kids and 'cool' college students talking about how this place or that place is soo much better, we should go hang out there instead.
They usually spend their nights wandering downtown like so many tight-jeaned, hair-dyed, ironically-bespectacled zombies, alternately standing in front of the various venues, trying to look cool without looking too cool or comfortable, like, 'Meh, I could go in, but its just not indie/hip/scene enough for me, besides, I spent all my money on this new fedora that doesn't fit properly, We should go get huge plates of fried rice at the King and complain about how all the bands we liked last year all sold out and these new ones we found out about on facebook are so awesome, indie, raw and unique, just like everything else we listen to.'
It hurts my head to keep thinking like a scene kid, so I have to stop before I start combing my hair to the side and growing ironic facial hair. Seriously, are their lives this boring that they have to pretend to have some scrap of anti-culture to cling to just to get through the day? I guess I don't really need to ask that kind of rhetorical question.

Daily Douchebaggery

Today's candidate is a local one, from our own great, sober, inclusive and white Brigham Young University. During a post-game interview, BYU quarterback Max Hall began a rant about the opposing team, proving that sports builds character, just not the right kind, apparently. During the course of his rant he said,
"I don't like Utah. In fact, I hate them. I hate everything about them. I hate their program, their fans. I hate everything. It felt really good to send those guys home."
Later, he mentions he doesn't respect them and they deserved to lose, calling the school and its fans classless, showing just how much class and sportsmanship he has. The following day he apologized, sounding far too scripted, and was then reprimanded by the MWC, despite his coach sticking up for him and subtly supporting his hate-filled comments.
Normally, I could care less about sports, particularly football, which seems to earn me male-pariah status in some circles, where sports and football are life. Provo has always had a holier-than-thou attitude about BYU and sports programs, and Ute fans are almost as annoying. The insults and child-like behavior run from both sides, and this 'great rivalry' has been deemed a 'holy war' by some douchebag who doesn't fully understand the connotations and history surrounding that phrase. 'Holy war' killed untold numbers of gentiles, pagans, Muslims and many others over the centuries, and brought terrorism and death to our own soil. Football is just a game, you people need to cool your shit, and take a step back from what you're investing so much into, and realize this. Effigies are soon to come if this continues, and real death soon after. Oh, and Max, you're kind of a douchebag; and dude, you look like an alien.

Daily Douchebaggery

Today, I have two douchebaggery candidates who managed to drive into water in some fashion, one above road level and one below.
Our first soaked motorist is an idiotic gentleman from Texas who managed to veer his million dollar Bugatti into a salt marsh, whilst reaching for a dropped cell phone. Mr. Important couldn't be bothered with stopping to look for the device, but rather let his vehicle drift off the road and into the salty water, which will probably render the car useless. Unless he needs a 1,000 hp paperweight. Good job, douchebag.
Our next inattentive driver is a Floridian woman who lost control of a vehicle at a Tampa airport and crashed into a $200 k aquarium, killing most of the fish. The kicker? She had her six-year-old unbelted, on her lap. Classy move, mom. Next time, stick his ass in the back seat where he belongs and pay attention to the road. Isn't the speed limit in front of airports like 10 mph anyway?
Thank you AP and My Way.

Daily Douchebaggery

Today I happened upon this picture, and I must nominate an unknown or unknowns for douchebaggery. Whoever the asshole or assholes were that thought it would be funny to cover a cat in duct tape and leave it wandering around should suffer the same fate. Such a prank is not only not funny, but cruel, unusual and downright mean. This may be how either fetishists or serial killers get started. If anyone in Philly knows the douchebag(s) that perpetrated this twisted act, they should seriously reconsider who they keep company with, and turn them in. Douchebag(s).

And while I'm at it, here's another douchebag throwing live frogs into boiling water on live television. This douchebag is named Glenn Beck. Is there no low he will stoop to in his insane efforts to expand his inane and ignorant fan-base? I guess not. Douche.

Rush Limbaugh's America

Some people live in a little world of their own creation, where logic, reason and reality don't necessarily have to jive wit their own perception. Normally, these people create cults or live in cabins deep in the woods and write manifestos; but sometimes they end up with radio shows.
Rush Limbaugh, never afraid to shoot his mouth off on the most sensitive of topics, has claimed that we need to re-institute one of our painful legacies of American history, the segregation of buses, as reported by Raw Story. This is in response to the beating of a white boy by two black students on a school bus, even though police have pretty much ruled out any racial motivation. Rush has again shown himself for who he is by uttering this string of words, a likely proud racist. Moving backward before the Civil Rights movement, when the white people were in power and told everyone what to do; where they could eat, ride, play, drink and urinate.
Rush is in support of this, so why stop there? Let's re-segregate everything; sports teams, restrooms, restaurants, all public transportation, drinking fountains and schools. Heaven forbid we mingle with other 'races' and gain acceptance of them, that will never do. I hear the KKK is doing well again, Rush, maybe you should throw your support behind the white hoods and call for lynchings of any black man who is caught with a white woman, eh? Send all the migrant workers back to the countries they came from, no matter if they have greed cards or work visas.
In Rush Limbaugh's America, we can all be free again to judge others by their race, age, gender, ethnicity and creeds. It would sure shore up that crumbling white Christian power-structure that O'Reilly is lamenting the loss of. Or we could go back even further, when we owned the blacks outright as slaves, and they had no rights, women either, and we pushed Native Americans off of their land into arid wastelands and only wealthy land-owning white males could vote, but we were still all created equally. That might work well for Limbaugh and his right-wing fanatical cohorts. I just don't know if I would want to live in Rush's America, I like my freedoms and equality with others.

Daily Douchebaggery

Normally, if you were to rob someone, never having that person see you again would be ideal. Home invasion robbery is already enough of a douchebag activity, but to return two hours later like this Columbus, Ohio douchebag did, only to attempt to ask out the victim.
How does one go about that? "Hi, you might not remember me, but I was just here two hours ago with some buds, we trashed your place and took your things, and roughed you up a little bit. I was curious if maybe you'd like to go try that new Italian place on 1st with me."
Anyway, this guy had either some serious balls, a complete lack of common sense, or just such a deluded confidence in his own charm that he thought this would be a good idea. Of course, she recognized him and he ended up in jail, like all thieving douchebags should. And on top of it, he's probably a complete dumbass. Way to go, Stephfon.

Daily Douchebaggery

Once again religion has found a way to creep into another aspect of life and ruin band t-shirts. That's right, t-shirts. Thanks to the over-zealous heart palpitations of parents like Sherry Melby, a symbol of evolution used in a humorous way was seen as a 'religious matter.' Despite the fact that evolution is a scientific theory, not a religion, Melby was quoted showing her endless douchebaggery with the statement: "I don't think evolution should be associated with our school." That is correct. This mother does not want a bit of science to be associated with her child's school. Brad Pollitt, the moronic assistant superintendent at the school compared the image to Christ on the cross. And they wonder why Jesus wept.
They made the children return the shirts, by the way. Every single parent that complained, and the petty-authority (assistant to the) superintendent can all rot in a pit of their own doucheness. Please stop ruining children's minds with your intolerant religious ideals.

Daily Douchebaggery

Although I nominated her once before, she just keeps opening her mouth, letting the vapidity escape. What's worse, Sarah Palin just wont go away, constantly riling up conservatives with false-patriotism, misinformation, and just plain wrong information. Already this year she has hinted at splitting up the Republican party (not necessarily a bad thing), left her job 18 months early, claimed Obama wants death panels, and shot her mouth off numerous other times, and claims that the media is mean to her. Grow up, you're in politics.
It just seems to me that she can't let her fifteen minutes run out, she has to frantically wave her hands and say something stupid to gain the public's attention for another week. She posts 'statements' on her facebook page obviously written by someone with a much more acute grasp on the English language than her. But beside that, she is actively causing problems in the national political arena, helping set back any small advances we may get towards health care reform.
She may think that she is slyly working her way towards a presidential nomination in a few years (FSM forbid she runs with someone like Hannity), but not everyone is fooled by her quirky 'Hey-I'm-a-political-outsider-and-I-can-solve-problems' demeanor. She is painfully inadequate politically, and a shining example of Conservatist ignorance. People often muse on how backwards Middle-Eastern and African countries are; just imagine how backward we would be if people like her ran our country. Honey, you're time is up, please finish up your cute speech and get off the stage. You were played-off a long time ago.

Daily Douchebaggery

*I almost feel obligated to nominate myself here, but I wont because I'm awesome. However, I apologize to those who care for the lack of posts over the past three weeks, I had a series of trips that interfered with my posting, but not with my news-gleaning. Also, I have noticed a severe lack of douchebaggery candidates on my blog, despite the plethora of them out there in the world. I will be sure to update with a couple posts this week, some possibly containing mentions of my various adventures.*
Few things infuriate me more than people who try and blame another person for their own faults, or an similar use of projection or displacement of impulses to make oneself feel better. I am guilty of this at times, like most people; I get angry while driving and become more aggressive, but also use various expletives to describe people that do similar things on the freeway.
But, some people take it to the extreme, like this young douchebag and his lawyer, who are suing for damages a person that was injured in another car. Not only was the other car struck by the driver of the car he was in after losing control and crossing the median, the driver was speeding, racing and driving carelessly on a 30 mph road. The driver was being a douche himself, but to be a passenger and to have audacity to sue a drive who failed to avoid the car jumping the median traveling 50 mph more than they were takes some real balls. Douchey balls.
Not only do I hope that his case is dismissed, and he is laughed out of court, but the lawyer should be penalized (probably too much to hope for a disbarment) for even considering to sue for something like this. Maybe this little dumbass should pick better friends who wont race around at night on low-speed roads. Douchebag.

Daily Douchebaggery

I am somewhat surprised to announce that I must slightly lower the level of douchebaggery accounted for by one person, a most unlikely candidate. Dick Cheney. Mind you, this is only a slight lowering of a level that has reached astronomical heights.
Ol' Dick has announced that he supports gay marriage, but ONLY if states decide on it individually. And he also managed to work in a comment about his daughter's homosexuality is something that he has had to 'live with for a long time.' Very classy. Supporting equality in marriage for everyone, which New Hampshire has just done, needs to be a nationwide decision, and shown that it is backed by the constitution. When individual states vote and come up with different laws, exceptions and rules for homosexual unions, problems will inevitably arise as couples move and travel around the country. Yet, tricky Dick at least nodding in favor of such a thing is another step in the right direction.
This does not excuse him from any previous acts of douchebaggery, any future or unknown acts either. He is still probably evil incarnate, but even evil might get it right sometimes. Although, most of the time they don't. Still in support of 'traditional marriage?' Here's America's Best Christian to explain it for you.

Daily Douchebaggery

During the recent 'tea-parties,' Texas' governor became America's newest petulant child, threatening to take his toys and run away, because he doesn't want to eat the broccoli on the dinner table. His tossing out of the secession card came off as nothing more than a publicity stunt, since he identifies with his people's problems just about as much as your average American identifies with a starving Congolese child. His whining has been falling of deaf ears, as a report shows that only 18% of Texans would vote to secede, and 75% would not.
I was curious how Hannity and O'Rielly are taking this, are those in favor of secession patriots or un-American? And my worst fears were proved true. Even Beck is on the "America Last" bandwagon, fervently supporting this cry for attention.
Texas seceded once back in 1861, throwing their hat in with the Southern states and flying the rebel flag, while contributing little to the war, and was the last one to fully surrender. Texas has always had a toe over the line of the 'Republic' idea, it carries the Lone Star name and proclaims even in it's tourism ads, "It's like a whole other country."
Why certain Texans fear the federal government so much is as strange as it is unnecessary, a state government can be just as corrupt, if not more so. Look at Illinois. What this douche did was nothing more than cater the fear-riddled, conspiratorial fringe of his constituency. Being this big of a douchebag is just as unnecessary.

Daily Douchebaggery

And on the eighth day, God created jackasses. People like this are why religion scares me. The fundamentalist Christian and Evangelical movements have high-jacked the Republican party, and their ideals have infiltrated our government and its policies. He is using bible verses as a reason to not have to worry about climate change and environmental impacts of our actions, and most Repub's follow this line. Since God 'decides' when and how our world will end, it's okay to pollute, dig up, and lay bare our planet, since it'll all be destroyed eventually anyway. This attitude infuriates me and should infuriate any other reasonable creature.
It is NOT okay to just throw environmental concern out the window just because you think some invisible man is going to come down and scoop your righteous ass up onto his shoulder and then lay everything else to waste. And the religious nutjobs aren't the only reason they do this. They are pandering to their corporate and CEO buddies, making sure they don't need to environmentally responsible and can pad each others pockets with bills of a monetary and big-business protection kind.
I'm more afraid of what people like this can and will do to our country than I ever have been or will be about any boogey-man terrorist/dictator/communist threat. These people can immediately affect our lives through legislation like this. As mush I feel sorry for coal miners losing their jobs, we need to stop raping the earth to completely dry up our limited coal and oil reserves so greedy oilmen, speculators and refining companies can make a few dozen more billion dollars. I truly despise this douchebag and all of his ilk.

Daily Douchebaggery

Should I create a new genre for douchebagettes? I only ask that because my douchebag candidates are usually men, and I realize it wouldn't be fair or me--nay, it would be sexist if I didn't consider the fairer sex when writing these posts. Women commit just as many stupid actions as men do. So in this equality spirit, I nominate Nadya Suleman for committing unwarranted acts of douchebaggery. She is referred to by the lazy-ass, nickname-obsessed media as the 'octomom.' Having eight children at once isn't necessarily the act of a douchebag, just horrendously bad judgement and way too many fertility treatments over the years. She's a veritable baby-factory. She now has fourteen children, all under the age of seven. And there is nor was a father. Now we're wandering into the right territory. She had IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) to have all of her children. That's right. She never has any intention of getting married, she only wants to have children. She has no job, so is supported by everyone else. She fired a free nanny service that was helping care for her children 24-7. She has become an attention whore (potentially the reason she had so many damn kids in the first place), and spends ridiculous amounts of money on things for herself, and puts on her good-mom face just for the TV cameras. And she has enough sense to tell the media that she tried stripping. And yes, she's obsessed with Angelina Jolie.
If there was ever a person that made the case for eugenics , it would be her. She has some neurotic desire to have children, then is thrust into the spotlight (I'm holding the media mostly accountable for this one) and loves every minute of it. She's not the brightest bulb in the closet, either. If there was a way to sterilize everyone this stupid and insane, the world would be a much better place. What a douchebag.

At least she's not as creepy(1) as the Duggar Cult Family. Eighteen home-schooled Christian children? First sign of impending doom and this family will go ape-shit. They mast have taken that Monty Python skit a little too literally. I truly fear for us reasonable people.

Daily Douchebaggery

Mike Huckabee. Former presidential candidate, current douchebag. Mikey just recently likened abortion--more accurately a woman's right to choose such a legal medical procedure--to slavery. That's right, if a woman, in any circumstance or instance, decides to terminate a pregnancy within the current legal standards, she is guilty of what amounts to owning a person outright, and treating that person as subhuman, in Mr. Huckabee's eyes. Sigh.
Mr. Huckabee seems to forget that abortion, however distasteful it may be, is legal. One person deciding to cease the growing of another being in her body is not slavery, it is a very difficult personal choice, or so it should be. I cannot trust the beliefs of any supposedly educated man that does not believe in the theory of evolution, and strives to force his religious beliefs on society. Maybe Mike should move to Iran or the deep, deep, backwards parts of the South where his beliefs might be welcomed.

Daily Douchebaggery

I have actually had someone request that I nominate this asshat for douchebaggery, but I do not single someone out for general doucheness. They have to commit an act that merits douchebaggery in and of itself, all other previous acts only lend to the aptness of the title. So I hope you enjoy this, Kat.
I first read about this a week or so ago in a magazine that I can't recall the title of, and was so excited that I even took a picture of the brief story with my phone. I then promptly forgot about it until browsing through my phone.
It would appear that Mr. Self-righteous Save-Tibet, who decries poverty and debt, especially in 3rd World Africa and wants to guilt others into saving the world so a solid-gold statue of him can be built in Ireland, has found a way for his band to legally avoid paying taxes. And whats even better? This isn't the first time they have done this. What a douchebag.

Daily Douchebaggery

This was inevitable, it appears. I had a suspicion that this man would say something unpatriotic and stupid enough to trump the many that spilled out of his pill-stuffed mouth before. He truly, honestly wants our President to fail. the more epic the better, I'm assuming. Why? Because he's black? Not quite. He's young and thought to be inexperienced? Nope. Because he's part of a party of political philosophy that Mr. Limbaugh doesn't agree with? You betcha'. In his own words, it's because he's a 'liberal,' and all liberals want to tear our country down and fail. All logical fallacies aside, this in utterly against everything we are supposed to stand for in a democratic country. I can still here the ringing in my ears from the Republican harpies screeching about Democrats not supporting Bush, so there's the hypocrisy aspect as well.
This begs the question; why? Why would anyone want our highest elected official to fail miserable at his job? Put simply, I told you so. He wants the childish vindication of being able to say that he was right, and every person who voted for Obama was wrong. This wouldn't necessarily bother me so much if it wasn't for the fact that so many people listen to and believe what this windbag says. At a time when we need to work together as a country more than ever before, people like this seek to further divide and pit Americans against each other, merely to increase their ratings and take some arrogant pride in proving that their side of the argument is the correct one. Ironically, Democrats couldn't be happier that the Repub's are listening to this douchebag, because the more confident he gets, the more inimical he seems to become. Every stupid phrase coming out of his mouth only pushes this dead party a little more towards its grave.
So congratulations, Rush, on hastening the end of your crumbling party. Sadly, it will be the suspicious, ineloquent, uninformed middle-Americans who will cling to its rotting corpse long after it has expired. And for that, Rush, you should be ashamed.

I also have a second-place candidate I wanted to mention, Mr. Bill O'Reilly. O'really, as I like to call him, is already a known misogynist (2), was somehow inadvertently invited to speak at a benefit for rape victims. Would you want someone who said the following to speak at such an event?

“Now Moore, Jennifer Moore, 18, on her way to college. She was 5-foot-2, 105 pounds, wearing a miniskirt and a halter top with a bare midriff. Now, again, there you go. So every predator in the world is gonna pick that up at two in the morning. She's walking by herself on the West Side Highway, and she gets picked up by a thug. All right. Now she's out of her mind, drunk.”

Yeah, I wouldn't think so. The only reason I didn't select Bill for this honor, besides selecting him before, is that this is really no big surprise. You'll get yours again, though, Bill. I guarantee it.

Thanks to Media Matters for the quote.

Daily Douchebaggery

It's been a while since someone has pissed me off enough to blog about them specifically, and mister Beck has been on my list for a while. There have been a few things, very few things, that I have agrees with him on, and he's gotten a pass, I suppose, because he isn't as hard-nosed as Hannity and O'really, but when you start attacking kids, you've gone too far. I could care less about Al Gore, and his Inconvenient Truth, you can stack information and statistics to support pretty much anything. Just read 'State of Fear' by Michael Crichton, this book refutes 99% of the supposed 'facts' in Gore's documentary, and he was goddamn doctor and author. Whether or not you believe global warming is real, there is such a thing as climate change, and it's a natural part of nature. Taking an interest in the climate and environment isn't anti-American, you douchebag. Just because the Conservative line is to disbelieve global warming and strive to dig up all the coal and oil we can doesn't mean you should follow it. Don't even dare calling yourself patriotic when you constantly attack other Americans who have different belief than you and wonder what happened to 'your country.' I'm sorry, but the conservative-white-Christian power structure you pine over is a veritable House of Usher. It is already coming down, so realize you live in a melting pot, not pure-white, Christian Republican nation where Mother Nature is our bitch, and it's not okay to brainwash kids with anything other than Christian intolerance and a love of capitalism. Get over yourself, buddy.

Daily Douchebaggery

I don't think I can honestly call Mrs. Palin a douchebag. I mean, she's a governor and a hard-working woman, and all. How about a douchebaggette? That will have to do.
In a recent interview with John Ziegler for his documentary "How Obama Got Elected"( which I'm sure I'll rush out to see, since I-and the rest of the world-wasn't paying attention the first time), she has the nerve to complain that the media wasn't fair to her in the lead up to the election, since she was only after the second most important position in the US government. Despite her avoidance of the media, softball interviews, and her frightening lack of knowledge about how our own government works, sure, they were unfair to her. No one accused Biden of hunting moose from a helicopter or being a sexy hockey-mom. Gee, I sure hope not. Sarah sealed her own fate, in my opinion, when she failed to explain the details of the job she was hoping to be elected to. I could care less that she was a creationist, an abstinence-approving mother of a teenage, unmarried, pregnant daughter, that she turned her town into a haven for box- and chain-stores under her Mayoral tenure, and that she was married to a secessionist; none of this really matters if she could competently do her job to the best of the ability for the betterment of the nation, but tie and again she proved that she could not. Do I wish her any particular harm? No. Am I glad that she isn't going to be my next VP? You betcha!

Daily Douchebaggery

Today's is such an easy candidate, I about had to be talked into it. It appears Mr. Vice President Dick Cheney believes himself to be a 'lovable' person, demonized by the media (that damn Liberal Media!) and intimates that he never pulled any strings in the White House and let Grand Poobah Bush run the show, funny hat and everything.
Anyone who sneers as much as this man does has spent a lifetime acting like a dick, not being ol' Uncle Dick. I'm sure his friends think highly of him, all those in Halliburton and the oil industry. Just don't cross him while quail hunting. I'm afraid of this man, in the sense that I have a good idea of what he is capable of, and how much leverage he has behind the curtains.
I'm sorry, Cheney, you're not a nice, lovable person. You're just a douchebag.