Dear Utah County

Just recently, the HOV lanes in Orem disappeared, part of a massive reconstruction effort in the county to widen the freeway and rebuild the bridges. These lanes will be gone for at least the next two years, while the freeway is worked on. Personally, I hope they were taken away as punishment to the majority of Utah County drivers who misuse and abuse the lanes constantly, especially during traffic hours. More times than I can count have I seen drivers who normally weave back and forth in traffic dodge into that lane and use it to pass the cars they were too impatient to wait for (which brings up the problem of the fast-lane campers that refuse to move out of the way for faster traffic) and pull in and out of it, over the double lines, usually without signaling. This is a bad and potentially deadly habit, one which I have to put up with when I ride my motorcycle and dare use the carpool lane. I can be traveling faster than the posted speed and still have someone come up behind me and weave around, putting my life on the line so they can get wherever they are going 30 seconds faster. Or perhaps imagine traveling down the HOV lane while the rest of the lanes are backed up and have someone shoot in front of you doing 20-30 mph slower than you, and you get to put your braking system to the ultimate test. Thanks alot, you inconsiderate, life-endangering assholes. I hope the carpool lanes don't come back, and you're stuck in traffic forever, in hell.

Stop Smiling, Dammit!

It is a well known fact that people tend to anthropomorphize certain things, giving them names and assigning characteristics as human in nature. This is especially true when it comes to cars. they usually end up with female names, although I've continually referred to my Camaro as 'The Beast," and will often talk to them and treat them like they are an actual living, breathing entity. This conjures up Stephen King-esque nightmares of demonic cars and killer trucks gone wild, but even more horrifying, the idea of cutesy-cars. You've seen them before; in movies, talking about their owners in commercials, and saving us from Megatron again and again. Cars should not look 'cute' in my opinion, although I'm sure many girls would disagree with me. They should look tough, aggressive, angry, manly or sinister, like this Mazda concept. Or at the very least, sexy.
The reasons this is done are psychological, people are more inclined to associate positively with a human-like object, as noted in an article on Science Daily. This humanised design has been becoming more apparent the last couple years, but I think the whole modern push may have begun with the Dodge Neon back in the mid-90's, with their slogan, 'Hi.' But the last ten years have seen a huge surge in cute cars, with the new VW Beetle, the revived Mini Cooper, the new Mazda 3, the Honda Fit, the Toyota Prius, the Smart Car, and this terrifying photo above of a Nissan Cube concept that can actually mimic facial expressions. This doesn't even count the slew of European and Asian cars that Americans never get to see except at car expos. I've been to Japan, they're all horrendously cute.
I have not said anything of people cutesifying their cars after the purchase, covering them with stickers and ugly pastel paint jobs, trying to create their car as an extension of their personality, this is a horrible practice in and of itself, an deems its own post. I'm just tired of going down the road in my angry car, having cars grinning stupidly at me. Like the new Mazda 3, that chrome strip makes it look like it has a retainer. And don't get me started on that damn Volkswagen Beetle. I think that car is the Germans trying to get back at us for WWII. Probably the worst vehicle I've ever had to work on. So, please, car designers of the world, please stop making cars smile at me.

Daily Douchebaggery

Today, I have two douchebaggery candidates who managed to drive into water in some fashion, one above road level and one below.
Our first soaked motorist is an idiotic gentleman from Texas who managed to veer his million dollar Bugatti into a salt marsh, whilst reaching for a dropped cell phone. Mr. Important couldn't be bothered with stopping to look for the device, but rather let his vehicle drift off the road and into the salty water, which will probably render the car useless. Unless he needs a 1,000 hp paperweight. Good job, douchebag.
Our next inattentive driver is a Floridian woman who lost control of a vehicle at a Tampa airport and crashed into a $200 k aquarium, killing most of the fish. The kicker? She had her six-year-old unbelted, on her lap. Classy move, mom. Next time, stick his ass in the back seat where he belongs and pay attention to the road. Isn't the speed limit in front of airports like 10 mph anyway?
Thank you AP and My Way.

Why I Hate 'Knowing' About Cars

Almost everyone, I assume, has one of those friends, the guy that 'knows' about cars. The car-guy. Whether they intentionally become the car-guy or not, they become the go-to for various problems. That guy is me. I'm the one who gets the phone-calls that start out, "Soo, my car isn't starting..." or "Do you know anything about(insert car part or problem here)?" I even get these calls from my own father, whom I had always assumed knew more about cars than me. This comes as a mixed blessing. You have the opportunity to help your friends and loved ones, or to never have them trust your opinion again. Until they need something fixed.
Already this month I have fixed a Saturn door problem, installed an alternator in a Chevy, and a fuel pump in a Nissan. One of the three has had no further issues. I have already promised further work on two of these cars and another Chevy with a door problem. Meanwhile, my Camaro sits behind my place of work with its own bad fuel pump, and my Mazda needs a tune-up.
I've done jobs that caused further problems, or unveiled them. I tore out a transmission for a check-up, and ended up having to buy a rebuilt one, and the car wasn't even mine. But I wanted to drive it, and I'm a nice guy. My own projects get pushed back so I can help my friends out. Is it any surprise that sometimes I wish I didn't know anything about cars? I glean a lot of information off of coworkers and associates due to the industry I work in, and I see them dealing with the same problem. Always under someone else's hood.
I have spent more time under some cars than I have inside of them. And that's no big stretch. At least at work I do for more than gratitude or an occasional burrito (food considered the favored payment for favors amongst our circle). Every once in a while, I wish it was someone else working on my car or my friends, but then I'll always wonder if they're doing it right.

Good for youuu!

One of the big yuppie things to do during the 2000's has been to own a hybrid, be it the ridiculously popular Prius, Toyota and Honda's other attempts, luxury hybrids or good old American made POS hybrids like the Ford Escape. It is a feel-good purchase, letting the owner believe that they are helping not just their status, but the environment. Not so fast.
Those massive battery packs in your hybrid? Nickel-metal hydride batteries full of nickel. That cool electric motor? Full of rare, difficult to mine metals like neodymium. All that stuff has to be mined, shipped, processed and fashioned into parts, which are then reshipped to places like Japan where they are built, and then shipped overseas to America's voracious consumers looking to out-green their neighbor or just show up how great they are for pretending to care about the environment. Another study done by CNW Marketing Research has shown just how inefficient it is to produce and maintain hybrids as compared to other vehicles. Even SUV's and many luxury cars are cheaper to produce.
And what do you get for all that extra cash you lay down for that ego boost? Only better city driving fuel mileage and a heavier, less efficient car. The Prius is notorious for its lack of interior space and poor highway performance. Penn and Teller tackled this one on an episode of "Bullshit!". The 'Smug' episode of South Park also went to great pains trying to get the message across that hybrids are not the answer, but just a step in the right direction. Hybrids aren't necessarily a bad thing, they are a testing bed for new technologies and an indicator that as a society, we're becoming a little more than dimly aware of our effect on the planet.
More fuel efficient car are coming out all the time, and ultra-efficient diesel hybrids are starting to make their way across the Atlantic where they have been driven for years. Volkswagen had brought out their L1 two-seater concept car that gets 170 mpg with a 1 liter diesel-hybrid engine. It's 3-4 years away from seeing the roads of America, but car companies are definitely on the right track. At least in Europe.
Next time you see some smug prick in their Hybrid flying past you on the freeway, don't get mad, just remember that they paid a whole lot more and most likely aren't getting any benefit whatsoever from that over-sized accessory. Not until they can figure out how to run a vehicle off of douchebaggery, anyway.

Daily Douchebaggery

*I almost feel obligated to nominate myself here, but I wont because I'm awesome. However, I apologize to those who care for the lack of posts over the past three weeks, I had a series of trips that interfered with my posting, but not with my news-gleaning. Also, I have noticed a severe lack of douchebaggery candidates on my blog, despite the plethora of them out there in the world. I will be sure to update with a couple posts this week, some possibly containing mentions of my various adventures.*
Few things infuriate me more than people who try and blame another person for their own faults, or an similar use of projection or displacement of impulses to make oneself feel better. I am guilty of this at times, like most people; I get angry while driving and become more aggressive, but also use various expletives to describe people that do similar things on the freeway.
But, some people take it to the extreme, like this young douchebag and his lawyer, who are suing for damages a person that was injured in another car. Not only was the other car struck by the driver of the car he was in after losing control and crossing the median, the driver was speeding, racing and driving carelessly on a 30 mph road. The driver was being a douche himself, but to be a passenger and to have audacity to sue a drive who failed to avoid the car jumping the median traveling 50 mph more than they were takes some real balls. Douchey balls.
Not only do I hope that his case is dismissed, and he is laughed out of court, but the lawyer should be penalized (probably too much to hope for a disbarment) for even considering to sue for something like this. Maybe this little dumbass should pick better friends who wont race around at night on low-speed roads. Douchebag.

Night Drive

Lane change behind
a multicolored UFO
my exit comes
with drops on the windshield.
Virga curtains obscuring
mountain mass
late Sunday;
a hint of sun still aloft.
The freeway
is driving sex--
liquid smooth flowing
through nights'
endless rapture,
lovers travel
entwined--
occasionally to
horn bleated
frustration.
A drive from her
just as satisfying as
the drive into,
leaving hints
of moisture behind
on every stripe and
mile marker.
Rumble strips moan
5,000 RPM's
shriek my name,
cruising undulating
pathways every night,
looking for an exit,
a new road to fuck
with black rubber
exhaust fumes
and gauge lighted smile.

GTFO! Srsly, karma.

A woman in California is getting six in the hole for causing the death of another person after crashing into stopped cars due to speeding and texting. Why this took aver a year and a half to be decided is obviously the problem of our screwed up legal system, but that's a complaint for another day. And although her lawyer is going to appeal, I believe that she deserves every day of that sentence, and then some. This is becoming such a massive problem here in Utah, that there is debate about passing our own no-texting law similar to California's, as I mentioned in a previous post. I get so angry when I drive, seeing people doing such obviously stupid things, that I begin to drive like a bit of a dick myself, which recently culminated in me being followed for several miles by some crazy person who almost rear-ended me whom I proceeded to flip off. Although I found it amusing, it just goes to show you that you shouldn't be an asshole on the road, and try not to flip people off, you never know you do it to, or what psychological problems they may have. And for FSM's sake, put your phone away for twenty minutes. You will survive without it that long. And if you continue to weave through traffic and text, you just may end up killing someone, or yourself.

Less Death on Wheels Pt. 2

It appears my indignant ranting may be having some type of osmotic effect on the internets, seeping down into the hate-mail strewn in-boxes of our state legislators. There is a bill in the works that would ban texting while driving, a move that is years behind the times. California passed a similar bill last year, and went into effect at the beginning of this one. It seems that our law-makers were able to pull their collective heads out of their hindquarters long enough to catch a hint of a problem far more serious than private clubs and visible liquor mixing in restaurants. I seriously hope that this gets passed, and if it does, I promise right here that I will actually obey this law, not only so I can feel a sense of smug superiority over those that don't and the ones who get busted. Oh, the unbridled self-satisfaction I'll feel if I see those bars light up behind some inconsiderate text-er weaving on the freeway. I'm getting a little excited just thinking about it now. Let's all hope that this becomes law, and not too far in the future. Seriously, our roads are dangerous enough as it is.

Less Death on Wheels?

This has to be one of the greatest inventions since the cell phone. A company has developed a car key that blocks cell phone signals on the driver's phone, to keep the driver from using their cell phone for calls or texting. It is mainly aimed at parents to keep their teens hands and eyes away from their phones, but I can see this expanding into an effort to keep any driver from fiddling with their phone. There are few things more frightening than having a cell phone preoccupied moron in an over-sized SUV hurtling off an on-ramp into your lane without even looking.
Every statistic shows that driver inattention is the number one cause of collisions, and teens are the worst. I mean, take a look at this disturbing statistic. Teenage driver's inattention rises over 1500% over normal driving when screwing around with a cell phone. And brats wonder why I flip them off when I'm on my motorcycle.
I am not completely innocent, even I, an iconic being of integrity, reason and intelligence, will occasionally drift into the realm of mortals and use my phone while I drive. Usually it is because someone is calling me. And I usually keep it short and sweet, which goes for using the phone at all. I hope every adult that actually gives a damn about what their kids do go out and purchase these keys when they are available, and consider it a stipulation for driving, along with seat-belts and no dumb ass friends in the car.
I think I may invest in this company.

Death on Wheels

Driving, GTA III Style

Let's get some of the cliche's out of the way, shall we? Almost everywhere you go, people are bound to say that their drivers are 'the worst'. Having driven through multiple states on multiple occasions, I have seen a fair amount of bad driving, and just different driving styles in general. The lazy dust-bowl cruisers. The drive-or-die Westerners. Southern Californians are notorious for speeding in rush hour. The whole pack is going 90 mph, and by god, you better go with the flow or get demolished.
In the state I nervously learned and honed my driving abilities, Utah, people seem to forget that it snows several months out of the year, and with that knowledge goes their winter driving abilities. I honestly know this is a fact, I work in the automotive repair industry, and we are coming up on our busiest time of the year. The snow dumps and people freak out. "Wha-what is this? It's like some sort of crystallized water is falling from the sky! But-but I need to get to work 5 minutes late like usual! Goddamn you, old man winter!" Those normally unsafe triple-lane-changes at 75 mph get a little interesting when it's 30 degrees and it snowed the night before.
I gained a whole new appreciation for defensive driving when I began seriously riding motorcycles. After my first brush with death, I learned to wait at intersections and eyeball those cell-phone users more seriously. I have also become unusually acquainted with people changing lanes into my personal space, apparently unaware of the inconspicuous bright blue, roaring bullet-of-death upon which an equally shiny, bright-blue, six-foot-three rider sits.
And will someone please tell me why in bloody, murderous hell they haven't outlawed texting in cars? Cell phones are bad enough, but this brings an entirely new meaning to distraction. Can't you people go without picking up that damnable device for 15-30 minutes? Jesus wept.