Too Many Puppies

See their demon eyes?

Sing to the tune of "Winnie the Pooh"

Rolling in poo,
Playing in poo,
Scruffy little puppies all covered in filth.
They're sleeping in poo,
Eating near poo,
And really really need to go.

Do you know what puppies smell like? Cthulhu's balls. No matter how adorable they are, they reek, they're messy, and no one wants to take care of them. This is the part of owning a puppy that many people forget when they see those fluffy little pups. They're horrible. However, this isn't their fault. Not the mother of the puppies either. Because an ignorant, careless dog owner never got his female dog fixed, she had a litter of nine puppies. Nine. NINE. And they're all in my house, so they didn't die in an animal shelter. This was her third litter of unwanted puppies, and the mother of the owner had had enough, and wanted her and the puppies gone. So we saved them, and now my house smells like puppy filth, no matter how much or often we clean.

For the sake of whatever God you do or do not believe in, please get your pets fixed, so I don't ever have to live with the smell of puppies again. Ever. Nine puppies!!

Daily Douchebaggery

Today I happened upon this picture, and I must nominate an unknown or unknowns for douchebaggery. Whoever the asshole or assholes were that thought it would be funny to cover a cat in duct tape and leave it wandering around should suffer the same fate. Such a prank is not only not funny, but cruel, unusual and downright mean. This may be how either fetishists or serial killers get started. If anyone in Philly knows the douchebag(s) that perpetrated this twisted act, they should seriously reconsider who they keep company with, and turn them in. Douchebag(s).

And while I'm at it, here's another douchebag throwing live frogs into boiling water on live television. This douchebag is named Glenn Beck. Is there no low he will stoop to in his insane efforts to expand his inane and ignorant fan-base? I guess not. Douche.

Cat Mind Control

"You're getting verrrry sleepy. . ."

Few animals are able to effect humans, not counting the squirmy, slithery multi-legged horrors that live under your porch, as much as our pets do; who occasionally live under our porches. Dogs may be 'man's best friend,' but cats seem to have some allure and power over us that we cannot understand. They are notoriously independent, lazy, food-grifting and sneaky animals, but have somehow won a place in our hearts. Despite the lengthy disappearances, endless supply of hair and dander, randomly placed vomit and dead animals on our porches, we still love them anyway. Science may have finally cracked this conundrum, in a study that identified one of their purrs as a 'solicitation purr.' They use this special purr to get what they want from us naive humans that are duped into caring for them.
Now couple this with the fact that cat's brains can repair themselves and your about one evolution away from crafty cat overlords. Luckily, they are too easily distracted by points of light, balls of yarn and small, quickly moving objects. Still, every morning, I walk up the stairs and rouse the cat outside, who begins his incessant pleading, which invariably leads me to the bag of cat food stashed under the counter. I always feel like such a tool later, and resolve to ignore his cries. Yet, the next time it begins, I wander back into the kitchen and fill his bowl like some kind of zombie that only feeds other animals. Little bastard. At least he doesn't leave presents on the porch for me, in the form of mutilated animals. It always seems like more of a warning than a gift. 'Slip up, and you're next.'

Heeey, you're not the bus driver!

As if cephalopods weren't creepy enough with their boneless, slimy, ink-squirting, shape-shifting, and sometimes monstrously proportioned bodies, scientists have recently discovered that they can also hear. It may be used for detected predators, prey, or possibly just for picking up reggae stations from Jamaica. Whatever they use it for, I am still worried. If octopi and squid are as intelligent as they seem, and they can change shape and color at will, with the ability to hear it is only a matter of time before they venture on land and begin infiltrating our society.
I don't think they would do much at first but listen, since it appears they have the ability. Mimic octupi can copy the attributes of many other animals, so it would only be a matter of time before they master our languages. They will have stumbling blocks, of course. They don't last long outside of water, but they have the ability to evolve. They can hide in water anywhere, so they can made due for now.
Oh, sure, they can look all cute and harmless in an aquarium, catching bits of dead fish and squeezing through tiny holes, but what if those holes were your vents and those bits of fish your eyeballs? They're crafty animals, I wouldn't put anything past them.
Next time you get on a city bus or go down to your local butcher and the driver or proprietor don't quite look the same, watch out, or you could get a face full of ink and the next thing you know you're hogtied at the bottom of an aquarium, an eight-limbed creature glaring at you from above. Don't say you haven't been warned.