Culture Warlock Shall Return...

I'm appalled at the amount of time it took me to regain some interest in my blog, which was a simple but enjoyable outlet for my anxieties/frustrations/beliefs/opinions. On the heels of my impending graduation and entrance into the official world of the "educated," I shall be taking up whatever weakly flickering torch I have set aside here, and return with new (hopefully amusing/interesting/provocative) posts shortly. If anyone who knows me personally ever checks this, you're a far better person than me.

Yeah, well this is a blogpost for 'white people.'

Now THAT is white

I get a lot of flack for many comments I make about certain things, but for one thing I say in particular. When someone is talking about something that isn't particularly good or is popular in American culture that really shouldn't be, or is seen as good by a particularly unpleasant segment of society, I'll usually say something like, "Yeah, that's because it's (pertinent subject here) for white people." This often comes up on the subject of food, which is something I take very seriously. Like when I hear that someone say, "Oh, I love Olive Garden, it's so good," I'll mention that, yeah, it's because it's Italian food for white people. Which it is. And as annoying as this type of broad commentary (and potential logical fallacy) can be, I feel it is valid, in its own subjective way.
It is my way of poking fun at a culture that I have become mostly disenchanted with, that being the general culture of 'white people,' by which I usually mean most Americans. The general attitude I have toward anything that has become popularized and/or Americanized is negative, therefore I find it displeasing or unpleasant. Examples: reality TV, chain restaurants, popular music, movies; but of course there exceptions to all these examples.
There are successful books and blogs on the subject of Stuff White People Like, and as amusing as they can be, there is a lot of truth behind it. I'm no cultural authority, but I live in America, one of the 'whitest' places on earth (although Japan seems to be catching up) and I live in Utah, definitely on of the whitest states, and in Utah county, undeniably the whitest area in the nation. And mostly republican, conservative and Christian. I feel like I am at the center of 'white' culture here, and that being the case, I am not only authorized to comment on it, but obligated to.

The Slacker

With the return of school, among various other excuses, I haven't posted in over a month. I am ashamed of myself, with the time I do spend on my computer, and the acquisition of this handy laptop I'm currently writing from, that I haven't done a single post in this time. I promise to be more studios about this, at least once a week sounds reasonable. If, for any reason I do not maintain this simple goal, I shall flagellate myself with a handful of various computer cords. Power cords will not be left out of this.

Turkey Hangover 2009

It's been a year since I began this blog, during a long Thanksgiving weekend stuck at home with nothing to do but surf the web and get pissed about the actions and words of various groups of people. It's been a lot of fun, and a lot of work, when I keep it up.
I know my posting can be sporadic at times, and I'm trying to amend that, but don't expect too much. Between work, school (not an excuse this semester) the gym and the girlfriend, I don't have a lot of time to work on this blog. And since I avoid television as much as possible (except for the gym), it's hard to find a lot to write about without a lot of reading.
However, I want to give thanks to the few of you who read this blog at all, and have supported me in keeping it up for the past year. I'm planning another blog I may link here, and finally getting a laptop, which should help e keep up my blogs better. Thank you all for having some vague interest in my opinions.

Things I am also thankful for as recorded elsewhere:

1. Having a job: I know it's been a rough year for a lot of people, including some of my family members, who don't read this blog.
2. Lists: Where would I be without wasting hours reading lists? Six Creepiest Insects? Top Ten lists? Sites like Failblog and People of Walmart? A place a lot less awesome, that's where.
3. The girlfriend: Although she hates me spending a lot of time away from her (i.e. blogging), she supports my writing and other hobbies and has joined my effort to eat healthier.

Nerd Battle Update

This is not an update on this particular story, but on the use of swords in a violent way. I had hoped that this was just a freak occurrence and not a sign of things to come, but it may be just that. It seems that a Massachusetts man tried to rob a dry cleaners with a ninja sword and a ski mask (very unassuming, you jackass). My guess, guns and bullets are becoming too expensive in a recession combined with possible tightening of gun control laws so people are reverting to more primitive weaponry in order to commit their random crimes and acts of violence. Although it may seem cool to some people to walk around with a sword on your hip, arms akimbo like the swarthy, swaggering pirate you wish you were, suspicions are going to blossom the moment you step out the door, especially if everyone already thinks you're that 'weird guy with the minivan that hangs out at Denny's/IHOP/Waffle House too much.'
I really hope that more of these stories don't continue to surface on Digg lists or Drudge. It pains me to see such an emblem of skill and cultural significance used in acts of such amazing stupidity. If they start instituting waiting periods at your local knife retailer, you'll know something is happening, and it probably isn't skillful or culturally significant.

Good morning, honey--OH MY GOD! Oh. *sob*

I am alternately amused and disturbed by this product, and I cannot quite pin down their market niche. Lonely military wives? Lonely widows? Lonely girls with 'great personalities'? All of the above and more? Whatever it is, it's still kind of creepy. And the part that's even more distressing? At Overstock.com they are SOLD OUT of them. I almost want one so I can slip it into bed with one of my unsuspecting friends in the middle of the night. It would be worth the angry 'did you do this?' phone calls. I don't know who came up with this, but this person is either a freak or a genius, possibly both.

What I really want to know is this: where is the man's equivalent? A slender arm and a soft cottony breast to cradle would help put a lot of lonely traveling salesmen to sleep. Maybe I'm on to something here. . .

Life and Taxes

Upon completing my taxes this year, I was welcomed with a pleasant surprise; I actually have some coming back to me. Last year I about broke even, but this time around I'm getting about $1,400 back. How did I pull this off? I'm single, no dependents and almost no exemptions to speak of, even though I'm in a school of higher learning. First, I didn't make as much as the year before, and I changed my exemptions on my W-4. It was relatively simple to do, and I didn't notice much of a difference in my paycheck. Now, I can get the tattoos I want, pay down a small loan, and pad my checking account for a few months. All in all this turned out fairly well for me, and our brand-new shiny stimulus checks haven't even arrived yet!
I would feel a little better if it wasn't for the fact that I'm just simply getting my own money back that I already earned. (Here's a secret, taxing an individuals wages is technically unconstitutional, look it up, it's true.)

Where's my placebo effect?!?

I truly hate being ill. It saps my creative energy, and my ability to sleep. I've taken enough of a combination of pills to kill a healthy horse, drank so much tea I've absorbed an English accent, and all to no effect. Not even a placebo effect.
The problem is, I rarely get sick, I'm normally quite healthy (physically, anyhow), so I have no need to stockpile the necessities of cold-sufferers. I will not go buy cans of sodium-laden chicken soup, Mentholatum, a humidifier or anything else used in the treatment of the occasional bug.
I can't afford to not work, so I rick the possibility of spreading it amongst my co-workers, which may have happened already. I definitely can't go to the gym, they see me sneeze or cough on something and I'm out of there. Why can't they just invent an illusion drug that makes you feel fine while your body still fights your illness? Or maybe I could get some hypnotherapy, like Peter did in Office Space.
Going on with day six of this affliction is starting to wear me down. I've slept so little I'm starting to see things. I'm not seeking pity, just empathy. Give me a big 'harumph' if you feel the same way. Thanks for listening, cyber-peoples.

Back from the Salty Seas

I only know of one person whom actually noticed my absence, but only because she is obsessed with my pointless rantings and sub-par poetry. But for anyone else who didn't notice, I was on a Mexican cruise for a week, breathing the clear sea air and overeating in prodigious amounts. Puerto Vallerta is an amazing place, and Cabo is quite beautiful for being so barren. And although I miss it and wish I was still out there, I'm glad to be back, and I have plenty of stories and general complaints to record upon this virtual tome.

Happy New Year!

Let us all hope 2009 will bring us a better life than the last year. And 20 more days until Bush is gone, woo-hoo! But seriously, thanks to everyone who bothers to visit my quiet little corner of cyberspace, and I wish you all good health and a pleasant year.

Thanks, Jeremy

Of Tacos and Presents

I returned home yesterday, my mind battered and blank from twelve hours of travel, with no energy or motivation to write a post. I have plenty of fodder after spending a week with my family, seeing many things, having or listening in on various discussions, with several episodes of family drama occurring. It was quite an adventure, whilst I consumed countless calories and burned none of it off, spending my leisure time reading, eating, scratching the ears of lazy dogs, driving my grandmother around, and waiting for the rain to abate. Yes, it rained most of the time I was in San Diego, letting up long enough for me to walk around the San Diego Zoo and stop by the beaches of La Jolla Shores for twenty minutes, and wander around in t-shirt & shorts while everyone else was bundled up for the Klondike. Hey, fifties is nice when you leave the teens and twenties home for a while.
I also managed to finally get my fish tacos I have been craving since the last time I was down there nearly eighteen months ago, and since Wahoo's seems to be the only place that can do it right, it was worth the wait. Oh, the food I consumed; what a dishonor to my body fat index. I broke my rule against soda, easily consuming two or three cans a day, eating candy and cookies and going out for at least one meal everyday except Christmas.
I made out alright, several gift cards/certificates, some nice new electronic equipment, some socks, real tea and an infusion ball, and for some reason, a candy & deep-fry thermometer. Oh, I can't forget this hat my grandfather made for me. I can't see why the girls wont be crawling all over come next semester. Hawt.

Winter Discontent

It's December 8th, and it's finally snowing here in the great state of Utah. We've only had one day of snow so far this winter that actually stuck to the ground. Last Monday it was 61 degrees. If it's going to be the miserable season we call winter, it at least needs to look like it. It's been late-fall for two months, and it's killing my paycheck, too. In the auto repair industry, snow means $$, because, as I mentioned before, Utahn's seem to forget how to drive in the snow my mid-spring, and don't regain the ability until about February the following year, if ever. So snowstorms bring in more cars, ergo, business has been slower than normal.
Even though I dislike the cold, the lack of snow makes it harder to get by, especially when you're working your way through school, it's almost Christmas, and you have three trips coming up within two months. Arg.

Sic Transit Gloria Monday

Thus passes the glory of Monday, and it's still the weekend! What little joy I had in the first Christian day of the week has slipped away. Let me explain. In a short 24 hours I will be leaving work to head into the torment of Math 1050, again discussing the use of matrices in sequencing and probability.
I shudder at the thought, not because I dislike math, but because of the way we are being taught. We last left off figuring out vectors of 2x2 matrices, using the lambda as scalar, which in turn leads to more letters and roots. It ends up being a big alphanumeric orgy, and there's magnitude and eigen values and orthogonal vectors! Aahhh! And the kicker? No other teacher would teach us this stuff in this class. He said so himself. The various students leave befuddled and confused, while visions of Greek letters dance in their heads.
I can deal with the sigma and recursive values and finding partial sums of a sequence. But this is where my synapses draw the line. I need the rest of my brain cells to write my papers and absorb sixty-page chapters of American history. We had a four-day break, so I should be refreshed enough to follow along as he transposes columns to find determinants. Here's hoping.