Like I needed another reason to hate Fox

When I nominated Nadya Suleman (the 'Octomom') for douchebaggery about four months ago, I was hoping that the horrible person she seems to truly be would preclude any major networks wanting anything to do with her, since they have so much integrity. I almost wrote that with a straight face. It turns out, Fox has ordered a 'documentary' on this icon of excess and neurosis, a two hour view into the life of this headcase mother of 14 children, (including never-before-seen footage!) which was even admitted to be a 'train-wreck' by Mike Darnell, Fox's president of alternative. Nice title, bro.
Normally, such a steaming pile of digital puke wouldn't bother me anymore than anything else I hear about or had the misfortune to actually see on television. I mean, I have weathered eight seasons of American Idol, Fear Factor, World's Most Eye-poppingly Horrific Car Crashes, and I actually watched Celebrity Boxing, but this is just going too far. Fox is trotting out nothing actually unique here, she is just a sideshow, a freak that they hope to make a few bills on. And dumbass, vicariously-living Americans will watch it. If I hear that Ashton Kutcher appears during the show to 'punk' her, I swear to whatever god is listening that I will murder something.

Clinton Screws America AGAIN

The ex-President has sunk to a new low this week, as he traveled to North Korea in a successful effort to secure the release of two American reporters. How did he pull off this act of unpardonable anti-Americanism? By using good old-fashioned diplomacy, just Kim Jong-Il wanted. In a single act that at once compromised national security and showed America not as the macho, middle-finger-raised, defiant bully we should be, but as the pansy, limp-wristed, hand-wringing sap the Liberals want us to be, Clinton got the two women pardoned by the dictator.
By catering to the whims of this megalomaniacal leader, we have set our country back a decade in our ass-kicking stance to the rest of the world, proving that this country can be brought to its knees when two truth-seeking, freedom-enjoying women are arrested without reasonable cause and plead for release. It's a shame, really, what these weak-kneed, bleeding-heart Liberals will allow to go on in this world. There was even talk of Al Gore being sent over to ask for the release of the Americans. Would he have tried to convince Jong-Il of 'global warming' in the same meeting? I shudder at the thought.
It seems that the Dem's have forgotten one simple thing; we DO NOT negotiate with terrorists! The ruined lives of these two women would have been a small price to pay for the continued security of our nation. When will these Liberals get a clue that the only way we can deal with these pushy evil-doers is to use as much force as possible and never give a valid reason to the American people for what is done? They really do not seem to understand Democracy.
Thankfully, Hannity and other patriotic, country-loving great Americans have shown us the way, and explain things as easily as possible for the Libs. Once we can push these reasonable, non-reactionary Dem's back out of power, we'll be free to rush in and drop some bombs on the Koreans and enter another beautiful, drawn-out war with no definite goal. Ah, now that's refreshing.

Cat Mind Control

"You're getting verrrry sleepy. . ."

Few animals are able to effect humans, not counting the squirmy, slithery multi-legged horrors that live under your porch, as much as our pets do; who occasionally live under our porches. Dogs may be 'man's best friend,' but cats seem to have some allure and power over us that we cannot understand. They are notoriously independent, lazy, food-grifting and sneaky animals, but have somehow won a place in our hearts. Despite the lengthy disappearances, endless supply of hair and dander, randomly placed vomit and dead animals on our porches, we still love them anyway. Science may have finally cracked this conundrum, in a study that identified one of their purrs as a 'solicitation purr.' They use this special purr to get what they want from us naive humans that are duped into caring for them.
Now couple this with the fact that cat's brains can repair themselves and your about one evolution away from crafty cat overlords. Luckily, they are too easily distracted by points of light, balls of yarn and small, quickly moving objects. Still, every morning, I walk up the stairs and rouse the cat outside, who begins his incessant pleading, which invariably leads me to the bag of cat food stashed under the counter. I always feel like such a tool later, and resolve to ignore his cries. Yet, the next time it begins, I wander back into the kitchen and fill his bowl like some kind of zombie that only feeds other animals. Little bastard. At least he doesn't leave presents on the porch for me, in the form of mutilated animals. It always seems like more of a warning than a gift. 'Slip up, and you're next.'

Actually, Obama was never born, he's a robot

Reality does not seem to be a part of 'birther' universe; where, despite a lack for concern by most Americans, including the Judicial branch of the government, a loud minority ignores actual proof and embraces forgeries. Is it a coincidence that most of these 'birthers' are far-right conservatives adamantly opposed to anything that passes Obama's lips? I don't believe it's likely. They despise our president so much that someone went to the effort to create a forged birth certificate proving he was a Kenyan citizen by birth. It didn't matter that the certificate was quickly decried as a fake, and was actually grafted from an Australian man's birth certificate, it was some kind of proof that supported their position (this reminds me of a certain mode of thinking I linked before).
This kind of thinking and lack of respect for not only the president, but those who already verified his nationality, the mounds of evidence contrary to their opinion, and rationality, really begins to disturb me. I'm hoping for a good dose of sanity to enter our collective conscience in the coming year, before this country starts tearing apart at the seams due to small, radical factions given way too much airtime on places like FOXNews.
The sad thing is, no one will ever be able to please these people, and this will go down for decades as another conspiracy wrought by the government for some agenda or another. It will take another four or five decades to have enough evidence mount to explain it, like the moon landing and the Kennedy assassination. All we can do for now is to try and ignore these small, screaming voices at the back of the crowd and wait for them to wander off muttering and return to their basements to print more manifestos. In the meantime, have some fun and create your own fake Kenyan birth certificate!

Daily Douchebaggery

*I almost feel obligated to nominate myself here, but I wont because I'm awesome. However, I apologize to those who care for the lack of posts over the past three weeks, I had a series of trips that interfered with my posting, but not with my news-gleaning. Also, I have noticed a severe lack of douchebaggery candidates on my blog, despite the plethora of them out there in the world. I will be sure to update with a couple posts this week, some possibly containing mentions of my various adventures.*
Few things infuriate me more than people who try and blame another person for their own faults, or an similar use of projection or displacement of impulses to make oneself feel better. I am guilty of this at times, like most people; I get angry while driving and become more aggressive, but also use various expletives to describe people that do similar things on the freeway.
But, some people take it to the extreme, like this young douchebag and his lawyer, who are suing for damages a person that was injured in another car. Not only was the other car struck by the driver of the car he was in after losing control and crossing the median, the driver was speeding, racing and driving carelessly on a 30 mph road. The driver was being a douche himself, but to be a passenger and to have audacity to sue a drive who failed to avoid the car jumping the median traveling 50 mph more than they were takes some real balls. Douchey balls.
Not only do I hope that his case is dismissed, and he is laughed out of court, but the lawyer should be penalized (probably too much to hope for a disbarment) for even considering to sue for something like this. Maybe this little dumbass should pick better friends who wont race around at night on low-speed roads. Douchebag.